


Hole Hearted

by BerryPicker



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-06
Updated: 2020-02-06
Packaged: 2021-02-22 09:48:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,281
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22580878
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BerryPicker/pseuds/BerryPicker
Summary: What it feels like when you have lost everything, and then find out that you still had more to lose.
Relationships: Alex Danvers & Kara Danvers
Kudos: 14





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Characters aren't mine. Wish they were, though. I would treat them better.

She sits at the front listening half-halfheartedly. She finds it hard to focus and follow what is going on, still unused to earth customs even after all this time. She glances around at the crowd – somber and doing a better job of listening than she is. Her mind wanders as she maintains her poker face. Alex had always teased her that she could not lie but she lies everyday. By pretending to be fine, to be coping well, to be adjusting and so on. All because of her stoic veneer. Out of curiosity and possibly boredom she turns to glance behind her to see how big the turnout actually is when she locks eyes with Cat, who nods deferentially. Kara stares mutely a bit too long and then turns back abruptly to listen to the eulogy.

* * *

Kara Danvers is in Cat Grant s office frantically multitasking – responding to instructions while listening to Cat spouting orders at her in-between asking detailed questions. A scandal has hit a rival media company and Cat is at her lethal best. Sensing blood and opportunity she wants as much of the lead on the story as quickly as she can get it. Simultaneously she is working to efficiently to ensure her own interests are not swept up in a similar scandal. Kara is dual tracking emails to news editors in Catco field offices around the globe and their own legal team just a few floors down. A familiar ringtone catches her attention and she ignores it to contact the internal affairs office before Miss Grant asks her too. The ringtone is persistent and she mumbles an apology to the EA for the Director of Security as she hangs up to deal with the intrusive personal call.

“Karen!” Cat chastises as Kara continues to stare at her phone screen and ignore her boss. “Corina?” she tries again noticing the glazed look and stiff posture of her assistant. Cat pushes away from her over-sized desk and strides over to Kara, ordering her gently to “Sit!” while guiding her to one of the sofas, normally reserved for “guests only”. “Okay” Cat reassures quietly. “You’re okay” she murmurs. “Put your head between your knees” she commands. Kara is confused and finally looks away from her phone to seek clarity from Cat. “Just do it” she gently commands “before your fall over.” Kara complies awkwardly worrying about how to keep her legs at an appropriate angle while wearing a skirt.

Cat is attempting to take the phone from her and it is difficult due to the grip she has on it. “Just let me see” Cat is saying softly as she successfully dislodges it. Cat’s sudden gasp is followed by her rushing back to her desk. Cat is overheard asking for assistance from someone with first aid experience. Kara is feeling dizzy as she struggles to remember a time when Cat dialed her own phone. Kara is obediently keeping her head low and watches as Cat’s delicate legs stride back into view, all sound muffled by the lush carpet. It is Kara’s turn to gasp as a wet cloth is placed on the back of her neck. “There” coos Cat as another cloth is being used to wipe her face. Kara feels better and immediately reaches up to remove the cloth from her neck before it soaks her collar. When she sits up she notices Winn has walked in to Cat’s office and she has leaned in to quietly issue orders. Winn nods his understanding and hurries off to do Cat’s bidding. On his way he passes James and Lucy rushing in. James is quickly headed behind Cat’s desk (another first) as Lucy comes to sit with her on the sofa. Cat is the only one speaking. She gestures at her computer screen while James agrees to every point she makes. She scrolls through her phone and he does as well, nodding their heads in unison. James takes notes while Cat rapidly goes through a list of items, interspersed with comments about someone didn’t faint and someone’s color is much better. Kara tries to ask for her phone but can’t seem to form words. Lucy lightly rests her palm on the back of Kara’s head while Cat decides that they should go now.

Cat glides slower this time back to the sofa and tenderly says, “okay, honey c’mon.” Kara is not sure who she is speaking to. Cat has Kara then by the elbows and Kara complies by trying to stand up. She is not very good at it so James quickly moves to where Lucy has just as quickly moved away to make space for him. James has Kara squarely on her feet and all three of them help her carefully maneuver between the sofa and the glass coffee table. Cat is leading her while James has her securely tucked under his arm as they walk. They head out into the bullpen and Lucy quickly moves to where Winn is clearing items off of Kara’s desk.

As Kara is carefully and slowly being lead to the elevator she notes how quiet the floor has become. The usual bustling staff are all clustered at the opposite end of the bullpen silently watching Kara being escorted out. When they realize that Kara is looking at them, many stand from their seats and everyone starts bowing their heads. Kara realizes in this moment that she is likely being fired. When Cat pushes the call button for her private elevator and leads Kara into it, she has some doubts. They go directly down to the parking garage. On the way Kara anxiously states that she has left her phone behind. “I have it” Cat quietly reassures her. Lucy is gently stroking her arm and Kara realizes that she is actually trying to check her pulse while growing flustered as she cannot find it. Kara looks pointedly at James who notices and gently brushes Lucy’s hands away. “She is doing much better” he boldly reassures and everyone agrees, except Kara who is still confused by what is happening.

When they get to the private parkade level Kara notices Winn is there juggling his arms full of her personal effects. She suspects again that she is in fact being let go – quietly from the garage so there is no scene. She considers begging for another chance when Kevin the Driver peels up in Cat’s towne car. He is apologizing for keeping her waiting and Cat is politely dismissive. Winn holds out her jacket and suggests “I guess we should…”while trying to hold it open for her to put on with only one arm. He nearly drops her lunch kit and purse while James leaves her side abruptly to stop him from dropping everything. “Maybe we should just...” Lucy tries but Cat has beat her to it by opening the passenger door and sliding in, gesturing for Kara to follow. Kara stares wide-eyed at her until Lucy pulls her into a gentle hug. “I’m so sorry, sweetheart” she says and releases her quickly. Winn is wearing a wounded expression that breaks Kara’s heart. James leans in to kiss her temple and she flushes awkwardly in front of both Winn and Lucy, who don’t seem to mind. James eases her in to the seat beside Cat. Kara is protesting that she hasn’t finished sending all of the emails or responded to most of Cat’s requests for immediate action. Cat grasps her hand to silence her and tells her that it can wait. Cat needs to take care of something more important right now. Winn awkwardly tries to pile Kara’s effects in with Kara when Kevin swoops in to the rescue. He deftly takes everything from Winn and gracefully places them neatly in the trunk. He smoothly shuts Kara’s door without much noise and as he pulls them away from the curb her colleagues remain on the walkway, waving silently at her. Cat and Kevin quietly confer on the drive over which address and settle on the one most familiar.

When Kevin pulls up outside Kara’s building he swiftly organizes her effects into a manageable bundle for Cat to carry in one hand while embracing Kara with the other. Keven helps them into the building but Cat goes solo from there. Kara begins panicking when she realizes that Cat knows where Kara lives, that Cat might expect to come inside Kara’s home, that Kara can’t remember if she has cleaned sufficiently. Cat knocks respectfully on Kara’s door, it is strange to knock and wait for entrance at your own place. A DEO colleague known to both Kara and Alex answers it and stands aside so they can enter, nodding at Cat in respect as they pass. Alex is there on a stool, an empty tumbler on the butchers block and a stricken look on her face. Kara is instantly in her arms and Alex is sobbing loudly. Cat quietly places her items down in carefully chosen spots. She moves slowly over to them now. She takes Kara’s phone out of her purse and places it on the counter top. Kara looks at it and wonders why there is not a critical mass of neglected messages. Cat explains that she had Winn redirect her business correspondence to a shared mailbox and placed an automatic notification that Kara would be out of the office until further notice. Cat then placed her business card on the counter and slid it directly towards Alex. She softly addresses Alex (demurely) with “Agent Danvers, if you need help with anything” looking sideways at Kara “please let me know.” Cat hesitates for the tiniest moment, then decision made puts an arm around the back of each of them. “I’m so sorry for your loss, ladies.” With that she breezes out of the loft, smoothly closing the door behind her. Alex pulls away from the hug, wiping her eyes and looking incredulously at the closed door. “Your boss seems…nice?” Kara swivels to look at the door as well. “I think I got fired” she says with a puzzled expression.


	2. Chapter 2

Kara is standing beside Alex, not really listening but offering her support in silence. Alex is greeting neighbors and former colleagues and distant relatives with equal amounts of enthusiasm. Most of them remind Kara of when they met her, even if she does not remember them. All of them enthuse over how much Eliza loved her and was proud of her and how much Kara ‘completed’ her. Alex watched Kara cautiously through all of it. Kara couldn’t shake the feeling that they were all trying to convince her of it.  
Out of the corner of her eye she notices Cat standing in the kitchen, cornered by old neighbors, deep in conversation. Kara felt the need to rescue her, so bid her excuses to Alex and some research colleague they had never heard of before today and made her way through the crowded living room over to the breakfast nook.

Cat does not acknowledge her right away as she is listening intently to Miriam discuss her technique for pickling beans. Olga vies for Cat’s attention by explaining how useful pickled beans are in various cocktails. Delia takes over by discussing the success of everyone’s garden this past season, due to the latest efforts by the county to rehabilitate the local pollinators. Kara should have been surprised to watch Cat float between all conversations effortlessly, but nothing about Cat surprised her anymore. Cat was graciously accepting their praise for her former role as a lifestyle journalist. Kara notes to her horror that Cat is holding a paper plate full of food. Casseroles, finger sandwiches, and melon balls. It is overwhelming. Kara excuses herself and asks to “steal” Cat for a few moments. The three women make sympathetic noises at Kara and all express overlapping condolences. Kara thanks them with robotic grace and Cat takes that as her cue to follow Kara.   
They walk in silence for few paces, Kara suddenly shy in Cat’s presence. Cat breaks the tension by noting how beautiful the house is. Kara nods in agreement. How spacious and full of light. More nodding. And warmth. This is not something that Cat would normally appreciate. Kara could tell she was expected to participate in the conversation, so she quietly agreed that she had loved living here.

Cat quietly asked if she could have a tour and Kara obliged her. She showed the living room with the collection of family photos and Kara’s earlier artwork. She showed the back door and Cat peeked out to admire the flower gardens, until recently carefully attended to. For some reason Kara showed her the powder room just inside the back door.

"What’s in here?" Cat asked with genuine curiosity. The Study. Jeremiah’s study. Kara led her in to it in silence. Cat stood in the middle of the space and just admired everything. Almost nothing had been disturbed since Jeremiah’s passing. It would be quite the chore to deal with the house and its belongings, if this shrine was any indication of how hard it was for the Danvers Sister to let go of the past.

“It’s so good of you to come” Kara said in awe. “Of course”.   
“It’s so far.” “It was no trouble”.   
“You are so busy…” “Kara, I wanted to be here. For you.” Kara felt a strange rush of emotions at that and covered it up by awkwardly trying to remove the plate from Cat.   
“Here. Just put it down. You don’t need to eat that just to be polite.” “It’s fine, Kara, really.”   
“Cat! For Christ’s sake, it has white bread!” Kara is horrified as she gestures to an egg salad pinwheel sandwich. Cat laughed easily at her assistant and allowed Kara to put the plate on the blotter atop Jeremiah’s desk.

“This is an amazing library” Cat remarked. “Hmmm” Kara agreed.   
“What are you going to do with it?” she carefully asked.   
“I was planning on reading everything in here.”   
“Really?” Cat sounded pleased and not at all like she was teasing.   
“Yeah,” Kara said wistfully. “I always felt that by reading something that he had read, holding something that he held, it’s a way of…absorbing him. That’s so dumb, I know” she says embarrassed.  
“When my father died” – Cat just replies – “I used to go lie down in his closet. On the floor. So I could look up at his suits.” Kara looked at Cat without saying anything. “To touch something that used to touch him.” 

“When did you stop?” Kara finally asks. “When Mother go rid of them all one day.”   
“Oh! I’m so sorry…”   
“They were just suits” Cat says matter-of-factly. “Things” she was rubbing her fingertips together to indicate how insignificant it was. “Tokens. The suits. The leftover cigars. His law degrees. All just stuff. In the end what I missed was the future we didn’t get together.” Kara was thrown by how vulnerable Cat was being with her now and an unfamiliar feeling settled in to her chest. It made her uneasy so she did what she always did: she smiled and deflected. 

“Oh!” she said cheerfully. “You’ll love this!” She crossed the study to a bookshelf on the opposite wall. On it she proudly pointed to a copy of Cat’s bestseller. “She’s a huge fan! You should sign it for her. She would love that!” Cat looked sadly at Kara for a moment. Kara had trouble swallowing just then and Cat walked over softly to join her. She traced her finger along the familiar book spine. “What’s all this?” she said, suddenly interested in something else. 

Wedged behind the book were more books, all about child psychology. Books and papers and journals – all dog eared and well worn. About detachment disorder. About trauma in young children. About fostering and adopting older children and blending families. About cross cultural adoption. Kara stands frozen as the realization hits her then. Eliza did not simply want to provide room and board. She wanted more than to help Kara ‘fit in’. She wanted her to ‘belong’. To ‘them’. She looks at Cat then, who is looking back at her with such tenderness that it finally breaks her. Kara is crying then, and is wrapped in a hug by a much smaller Cat. Cat struggles on her toes and for her arms to reach all the way around but she manages and she holds on tightly as Kara breaks down.

After a few minutes of solid crying Kara comes to the realization that Cat has been rubbing her back and whispering sweet reassurances for some time now. Embarrassed and overwhelmed she pulls back and wipes her face with the back of her hand, a gesture that makes Cat grimace in horror. Cat breaks her hold on Kara to pull a folded handkerchief out of her clutch and offers it wordlessly to Kara, who declines. “It’s too nice, I’ll ruin it” she protests. Cat raises a single eyebrow, a gesture that Kara has often tried and failed to mimic in her bathroom mirror. Cat holds out the cloth expectantly and Kara loses this battle of wills, wiping her face strategically with only one corner. She laughs wetly when Cat takes over and does a more thorough job, even commanding her to “blow!”

“I’m so sorry” says a chagrined Kara. “It’s no matter – it’s just a linen”.   
“No, I mean losing it like that.” Cat studies her then with pursed lips. The only thing missing is a pair of reading glasses for her to chew on. “It’s important to let yourself feel these things” she eventually cautions. This is dangerous territory for Kara.   
“I can’t” she replies. “Hmm. Why is that?” Cat is part therapist, part journalist.   
“Because I have to be strong.” Cat deploys an old interview trick of not responding. Kara immediately moves to fill in the implications of what she has just said. “For Alex.” More silence. “I mean, it’s her time. She lost her mother and she needs me to help her get through this.” “What about you, though” Cat ever so gently asks. “You lost someone important to you as well.” Kara scoffs unconvincingly.   
“She was just my foster mother” she diminishes. “Besides, losing just one person pales in comparison to losing my whole world.” Cat looks at her strangely but wisely says nothing.

“Oh, your dress!” Kara changes the subject. “It’s ruined!” “Well, not hardly…”   
“I’ll pay for the dry-cleaning.” Cat is chuckling at her earnest assistant. “It’s fine.”   
“NO!” Kara is adamant. “Leave it aside and I’ll take care of it personally when I get back to work.” “Okay” Cat relents softly, aware that this is Kara’s way of fishing as to whether she still has a job to go back to. Cat theatrically uses the soiled handkerchief to dab at the damp spots on her collar and shoulder. 

“Oh, I’m so sorry. Maybe I should just replace it…” “Kara, it’s fine. You are more important to me than any dress…” Kara feels the tears return at Cat’s kind words, helped along by her grief and sudden loneliness at being without Eliza. Cat pulls her into a side hug then and pulls her head down so she could plant a kiss on the top of it. Cat could not have known that she was mirroring one of Eliza’s gestures, or that this would result in fresh tears. Cat’s arm slips away as a new arm slips around Kara’s back. It is Alex, who has been hovering outside the door and was finally encouraged by Cat to come in. Cat retrieves the plate of well-intentioned food and shuts the door with a satisfying click.

“I’m sorry” says a weepy Kara.   
“Don’t be” soothes Alex.  
“I was trying so hard. To keep it together. To be strong for you.” “You don’t have to.”   
“I wanted to.” “I know, but it’s no good to shut yourself off like this. You need to let yourself grieve.”   
“But it’s your turn.” Alex looked confused at that. “I had mine. This is your time.” “Kara…” Alex was growing frustrated.   
“I don’t want to.” Kara was crying again. “I can’t…it’s too…” Kara had covered her face with her hands to stop more words from coming out as well as any more tears. “Okay” Alex simply says and grasped Kara’s wrists. Kara was able to compose herself and Alex leaned in close and whispered “please don’t shut me out.”   
“I don’t want to hurt you.” Kara was looking at Alex through her fingers now, eyes wet with unfulfilled tears. “You hurt me by shutting me out.” Kara drops her hands to slap against her thighs and angrily states “it’s not just you, Alex, I shut everyone out. I have to. It’s how I survive. I play a role. Every day. I pretend to be human. I pretend to be fine. To be adjusted. But I’m not. I’m not any of those things.” Alex just sighs and lets that unpleasant truth settle around them for a moment.   
“I know” Alex finally speaks. “I’ve always known that. But thank you for admitting it.”  
“I’m…” Kara regretted her outburst at this very inappropriate time “…Alex, I’m so sorry. i…”  
“No.” Alex cut her off. “No more sorry. You feel what you feel; and right now you feel sad.” Kara nods the tiniest bit. “But you are alright. Well, not alright, we’ve established that. But you are going to be alright. I promise.” Kara lets Alex hug her again. Alex tries to make Kara look more presentable by drying her face and straightening her clothes. “You know you were her favourite, yeah?” she reminds quietly. Kara has learned not to argue about this anymore. Alex keeps going undeterred by Kara’s silence. “She was always deeply pleased that you looked so much like her. That people thought you really were mother-daughter.”  
“She said it made it easier. Less questions, you know.” “It made her proud whenever that happened. Did you know that? She loved getting to pretend to be your mom. Your Earth Mom. You were her favourite gift.”   
“And you were her favourite accomplishment” Kara replied.   
“Let me in, Kara. Let me help. We can use each other to lean on. We’re stronger together.”   
“I like that” Kara smiled. “Yeah, I read that on a t-shirt or something”. Kara snorted and gently punched Alex. Alex slipped her arm through Kara’s and together they went out to say goodbyes to their departing guests.

Kara was more connected by this point, she actively listened to people praising Eliza and offering their fondest memories. Alex never loosened her grip but Kara never wanted her to. She did notice Cat trying to get her attention so she excused herself from her current conversation and tugged Alex over to say goodbye to Cat.

“Ladies” Cat was using her Live in front of Studio Audience voice. “I must be going…” “Thank you for coming” they chimed in unison. Kara could see the towne car parked out front with Kevin standing by, leaning on the hood.   
“Oh, this is for you…” Cat pulls a condolence card from her purse. “He insisted” she gestured with her head through the kitchen window and in Kevin’s general direction.   
“Tell him I said thank-you. It’s very thoughtful of him”. “Hmm” is all Cat said, noticing how much more present her assistant now seemed. “And thank you for not firing me.” Alex looked sideways at Kara and waited wordlessly for an explanation. “I broke the no crying rule” Kara explained.  
“I’ll make an exception just this once” Cat winked at Alex. Kara did not know that Cat could wink. “Well…” Cat looks indecisive. “Duty calls” she adjusts the strap on her purse which simply falls back down as Kara rushes forward to embrace her. Cat says nothing and simply strokes her back for a few moments. The other guests all look away. Alex steps forward eventually to pluck Kara off of her boss who is still trying to leave. “I’ll see you soon, kid. Okay?” Cat says kindly and Kara simply nods back at her through fresh tears. Alex pulls her against her and rocks with her slightly as Cat breezes out the door and is gone.


	3. Chapter 3

Weeks later Kara returns to Catco only to find her desk is not where she left it. She finds it eventually tucked inside Cat’s office, closer to the private balcony. Her desk is covered in piles of unopened cards and hand written notes, a new (filled) candy dish from Winn, Lucy and James, flowers from Alex and a brown paper bag on her chair. The bag contains Cat’s dress. 

Kara starts flipping through the cards feeling a little sad that the bag does not contain a card from Cat. Kara smiles ruefully when she realizes that it would have been Cat’s assistant’s job to pick up the card in the first place. At the bottom of the pile she finds the latest edition of Catco Magazine. The edition she missed while away. She picks it up expecting to find Cat’s usual notes and markups all over it for her attention but then gasps in surprise.

The main cover story is a "Salute to Foster Families: true heroes without capes”. Along the side are features about how to save on the cost and hassle of dry cleaning, a feature on managing grief, and a puff piece on the versatility of pickled beans.  
Kara turns her face to the sunlight coming through the open balcony windows, the warmth drying her unshed tears where they lie. Crying at work is not tolerated, after all.


End file.
